Bad Losers

As a supporter of Manchester United since the age of seven, I was in seventh heaven at their Champions League victory the other night. However, a word for Chelsea, John Terry and those dejected Blues fans who rioted after the game. Just before the penalty shoot-out began, ITV ran a trailer for the delayed News at Ten which was to follow the match's completion. Their lead story was about a seven-year-old girl who had allegedly been starved to death. As John Terry was preparing to take his ill-fated penalty, and I was preparing to cope with bitter disappointment, I kept thinking about how that news story put a mere football match into perspective.

Bad Poetry

This week the so-called world's worst poet, William McGonagall, had several of his poems sell for many thousands of pounds at auction, a little late for him as he died in poverty.
One thing that marked McGonagall out was his bravura and his choice of epic subjects. He would write about national events such as royal jubilees or disasters such as at the Tay Bridge. So, as a dedication to McGonagall, I've spent 15 minutes wondering what he would have written about today's tragedies. So....

"Oh the poor people of the lowlands of Burma,
How they are longing to be on terra firma,
While their government won't allow the outside world to help,
Leaving them to cry and yelp.

Meanwhile the people of Sichuan have suffered a mighty earthquake,
Leaving their houses like a flattened layer cake.
But at least their President arrived to give support and succour,
So where was the Burmese leader, the filthy f***er?

Well, maybe not.

Electronic Books

I read that some young Japanese do most of their reading on their mobile phones. Now you can buy electronic books that don’t flicker. These developments may bring advantages but, in my experience, so often technological advances involve a step backwards too.
I have just begun the arduous process of converting my vinyl LPs to digital format. Those who have done the same will know what a nostalgic experience this is. I refer not just to the pleasure of listening again to all those wonderful tracks that rekindle memories of lost youth, but also the whole rigmarole that used to accompany the listening experience.
First, there are the LP covers, often beautifully designed with witty liner notes and crammed full of pictures and information that is, unlike on their CD successors, readable without the need for a magnifying glass.
I remember the care I used to take over the handling of the records themselves; replacing polythene-lined sleeves to prevent static, having a separate arm on the turntable to remove dust, never stacking them on top of each other to prevent warping.
Then there was the importance I gave to the quality of the sound. Could I afford those top-of-the-range speakers that would enhance my listening experience? Should I invest in a more sensitive arm that would improve the performance of an already high fidelity turntable? Should I spend those extra pounds on a higher specification cartridge and stylus?
And what about the amplifier? I recall a friend telling me that he spent what to him was a small fortune on one that had valves because the sound was so much superior to solid-state.
He was “horrified” to discover the extent of this when he finally succumbed to the modern ones. He did so because he got tired of the valves regularly blowing. And therein lies the problem that technological advance so often brings with it; there’s a trade-off between convenience and quality.
Now, I listen to music either on the small, tinny speakers of my computer, the small tinny speakers in my car or the small, tinny earphones of my i-pod. I have accepted technical mediocrity.
The same holds for digital cameras. What I love about them is the instant access they give you to your pictures; no more waiting for the processing and printing to see whether the shot you took has come out the way you hoped it would. Converting from film to digital has reinvigorated my interest in photography. Not having to worry that each shot will cost money means I can take lots more. Has it improved me as a photographer? I’m not sure. Purists tell me that film is still a better medium and that the instant gratification of digital cameras makes you lazy. Perhaps they’re right.
I have a flat-screen TV. It’s beautifully stylish, light and so space saving. But is the picture better than my old, bulky Cathode Ray Tube set? No.
So, as I sit here watching the progress bar on my computer sucking out the dynamic range of my LP track as it converts it to an .mp3 file, I feel a sense of loss. Yet, at the same time, I’m listening to more music now than I have done in decades thanks to the new opportunities that digital files have opened up.
So, as I ponder the advent of the electronic book era, which I guess will eventually make books as we know them redundant, I can imagine missing the simple tactile pleasure that paper books currently hold for me; the look, design, the touch, even the smell. Yet I will marvel too at the fact that a whole library can be at my fingertips and that huge forests can be saved. Progress, almost inevitably, comes at a price.

Sex in the Dictionary

Sex may be in the dictionary, but it appears sexual discrimination also occurs there. I was writing a script this week about a celebrity who was knighted. I then wrote one about a female equivalent who was....given a damehood. Why can't a woman be damed? I suspect there are a lot more examples of this inequality. Any suggestions welcome.

Massingberd

I was sad to hear of the death of Hugh Massingberd who was, above all, the former obituary writer of The Daily Telegraph. Massingberd raised the status of the written obituary by making it more honest and, particularly, fun. His use of understatement and innuendo, very much in the style of one of his heroes, PG Wodehouse, not only made a good read, but also influenced how other newspapers approached the genre.
The irreverential style he introduced now differentiates the British obit from most of those written in America and Europe. It was Massingberd who wrote the famous Phrase "Liberace was unmarried", after the performer had sued over suggestions he was gay.
As a writer of broadcast obits, I share Hugh Massingberd's gallows humour, and envy the space he had to indulge the English language so ably.

Two Faces of Tolerance

Many of those who supported the right of David Irving, the Holocaust denier, to speak at the Oxford Union the other night, argued that however abhorrent his views one should negate them by debate rather than by banning him. It seems to me, though, that debate is alright when you're arguing about interpretation. However, debating against a Holocaust denier whose views are shaped by a not-so-hidden agenda and are based on the premise that a clear fact does not exist, is a waste of time and effort. Anyone with a real interest in Irving's views could read the account of the libel trial he lost in London a few years ago in which his case was completely dismantled by "proper" historians. Debating against Irving is a bit like a scientist trying to argue against a creationist.

This brings me on to the savaging by the Roman Catholic Church in America of the Golden Compass, the new film of Philip Pullman's novel The Northern Lights. At least the American Catholics haven't, as far as I know, called for the film to be banned, only boycotted. I know that the number of Catholics is falling in the world, yet, even so, it is extraordinarily defensive of them to worry about a movie that doesn't attack Catholicism directly. Yes, there's a layer of the books (toned down in the movie) that attacks the authoritarianism of religion and the abuse of power, doubtless with Catholicism in mind. It seems that in America, religion has become so politicised in a way that's alien to the UK. It's akin to the Muslim fundamentalists that they're the firstto attack. To the religious right, atheists are the equivalent of what Communists were a few decades ago. The Communists banned religion. The Catholic Church and the Communist Parties are both heavily centralised institutions. Yet where's the Christian tolerance here? Philip Pullman is not denying "facts" and does not possess a pernicious doctrine. I didn't notice atheist groups mobilising for boycotts of the movies of CS Lewis's Chronicles of Narnia, another children's book but with an avowedly Christian message. Different religions are, anyway, interpretations of various scriptures. An Oxford Union debate about whether organised religion is a good or bad thing would have been far more interesting than whether or not the Holocaust existed.

Cancer

Yesterday I was enjoying a glass of a not inexpensive Rioja while reading the newspaper. The headline screamed at me that my chances of getting cancer will increase if I drink alcohol and don't eat enough fruit. It just so happened that the tasting notes of the wine I was drinking were near at hand. They declared that my wine's flavour was full of blackcurrant and gooseberry. The thought occurred to me that I could both live longer and grow richer by foregoing the wine and eating blackcurrants and gooseberries instead. The thought didn't last long and I had another glass.