Eduardo

I had to laugh when I saw that Arsenal's lawyers submitted a several page dossier to suggest that one couldn't prove that Eduardo dived. The legal bills could probably buy you a decent football league striker, notwithstanding the fact that even a moron with a lobotomy could see Eduardo was giving Tom Daley a run for his money.
However, UEFA have dug themselves a hole now. One would like to think they have signalled a determined campaign to stamp out this irritating pratice, but I'm not holding my breath. Are they going to ban every player who takes a dive? I doubt it.
There's a simple solution, and it involves using technology, something Platini and his fellows are dead against during the game but seem happy to do so retrospectively. Team captains should be allowed two referrals per match in which they can question a referee's ruling. These should be restricted to penalty decisions, sendings off, and "goals" that are scored and then ruled off-side. In the last case, they could only be referred if the referee's whistle has not blown before the "goal" is scored.
Look how tennis has removed all the "Are you serious?" moments from the sport. Cricket too has begun using referrals without too much fuss. Rugby has been doing it for years. In all these sports, you don't hear accusations that the referees or umpires are being undermined, just a recognition that they are human and have only one pair of eyes. As with rugby, if the video replays prove inconclusive, then the benefit of the doubt either falls to the defending team in respect of penalties or with the ref's original decision. Modifications to this idea would doubtless involve during trials. It's commonsense. Tell that to Arsenal's lawyers.

Medieval soldier

Much to my surprise, and delight, I discover that an ancestor of mine fought in the so-called Hundred Years War. I had traced my lineage back to the small village of Ascott-under-Wychwood, Oxfordshire to the 15th century. Records, written in Latin, have been found bearing my surname, in an Oxford college, and many from the 16th century exist in church and other official bodies' archives. However, this new discovery, discovered on a database on www.medievalsoldier.org, is dated 1384 and predates the oldest record by a distance. The curious thing is, though, that William Chaundy, a man-at-arms, was based at the Berwick Garrison, a long way from Oxfordshire. There may be a plausible reason for this. I shall make enquiries.

Jacko

How come it takes up to 8 weeks to get Michael Jackson's toxicology results when Taggart can get them in 10 minutes? It must be a conspiracy.

MPs' Expenses

Sorry Miss, I couldn't give in my homework because my sister accidentally set fire to it and the fire brigade sprayed water over it which set the dog off in a frenzy who then ate it. This kind of feeble excuse sounds almost plausible compared to the pathetic "oversights" and "regrettable errors" cited by some MPs when their expense claims are downright fraudulent. Why so many of them were passed seems to me a subject worth investigating on its own. The Fees Office must be weighed down in brown envelopes. It would be so much more honest (not a word bandied about much in this scandal) if they fronted up in a "Sorry, but look, we aren't paid very well so we were encouraged to take whatever we could get in the way of expenses" kind of way.
At BBC News, my erstwhile employer, they used to give journalists a watch. They're much prized possessions - some had the test card on their face. A story goes about how Michael Buerk and Keith Graves, during a few idle moments, were complaining that their watch straps were fraying. One of them then burrowed into the regulations book and emerged triumphant with the discovery that there existed a watch strap allowance. If it's offered, you'll take it. But I bet no one claimed for the watch strap allowance who didn't have a watch!

Golliwog

I see the Daily Mail is at it again. That purveyor of small-minded prejudice blames the BBC for getting its own back on Maggie by sacking her daughter for the use of the word Golliwog. So, the BBC deliberately employs Carol Thatcher on BBC1, Radio4, Five Live etc etc deliberately so that one day it will catch her out when she says something offensive. Yeah, right.
By the way, I once interviewed Mrs Thatcher while I was a young reporter working for the English section of the Dutch World Service. Carol was then working for the small London station, LBC. Such was Ma Thatcher's dislike of the BBC, which she regarded as dangerously liberal, that she insisted via her PR attack dog, Bernard Ingham, that interviews for LBC get priority over national BBC radio and TV. Ingham swore at me in front of Mrs T when he thought I'd muscled into an interview without permission. In fact, Maggie had asked me if I wouldn't mind doubling up because she was running short of time. Never a fan of hers, politically, I have to say she was absolutely charming. Yes, I know... good cop, bad cop.